What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 03:29
I could never make a relationship work though!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
(And it was in our own minds.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I have no regrets .
Why are white women dating more black guys than ever?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is soul school!.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It was going to be , some day.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What did someone say to you that instantly made you realize their life was in danger?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My family never makes their pension either.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was seconnd youngest,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was very sick at this time too.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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And i lived it daily.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What is the difference in doing a hot rail and just smoking a bowl?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Would this be the day?
What is it that gives a man who is a submissive cock sucker his most pleasure?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We all went to grammer schools
I was scared of men, in general
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Especially a lifetime of it.
I will be 64.
All the time i was locked up.
I said to her
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She loved him until the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were not on the streets..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When she asked me how she looked .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But it wasn’t much.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He knew the spot.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She married twice! .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I don,t even have a pension.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She wouldn,t have been !
Put me off passion for life!!
What did i know ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was 9 years of age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So, i spoilt her more .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But, we were locked up after school.
My life is so biszare .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She found it foreign!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im still living with it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Who then, do I blame.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I write beautiful poetry .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was in good health!
Comes on , in middle age.
Ive learnt so much.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But ive been too sick for many years..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I waited trembling.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..